I haven't really had much use for Live Journal. Haven't had the need to write about my every day escapades, haven't felt desire for it...but now, as the first semester of my freshman year comes to a close I felt I should take the time to reflect.
I have loved Syracuse University from day one. The place, the people, the everything. I feel home here. But I did struggle for a while, because I had yet to truly connect with the girls I spent all my time with, and felt unsure and alone. But now, I have grown to love them with all of my heart, and I have discovered that it is extremely possible for such diverse people with such different beliefs to become the best of friends. I feel myself around them. They know my quirks, my downfalls, my annoying tendencies, and they have come to love me, oddness aside, and me them. I am happy that my friendships here have grown and developed and can only imagine what 3 and a half more years can bring. Having Liz here, is amazing too. Being able to laugh with and tell my stories to one of my best friends in person, and listen to hers and just know that I will always have that special bond with someone here, and to be able to grow together while growing seperatly..its wonderful.
My friendships at home have adapted to the drastic change. Coming home and sitting in the places that are all too comfortable and laughing with the people I have grown up with was absolutely amazing. Theres the people I talk to all the time, and the ones who we go a few weeks or so without talking, but its all good. No worries, noone gets angry, we just understand, and we know that when we come home, come back to eachother, its still amazing, and its still like it always was, and to know that the people who I love with all of my heart, still love me, and still long for our memories and our amazing times, is a great feeling.
I have a best friend. Who today, told me she was proud of me. And those words made me smile. I, too, am so incredibly proud of her. And I love that we just have that special connection, and we always will, and I know that no matter what, she will always be there. Thank you.
I have become so close with my sister. Not like we weren't before, because we were. But she has helped me so much, with correcting my papers, to talking about birth control, to just understanding me, and making me laugh, and making me smile. I am so proud of her, and who she has become. She has always been a role model for me, and I envy her talents, strength and sense of self. She too has grown so incredibly much, and I am proud to know that I have helped, and watched her become this amazing woman who is comfortable in her own skin, and finally comfortable with who she is.
My relationship with my parents has changed so much, beginning with this past summer. I am comfortable discussing personal things with my mom, talking about alcohol, boys, everything. I am no longer afraid to tell them things, but Daddy doesn't have to know everything... :). I am so grateful that they have put their faith in me, and are sacrificing so much to send me to a school where they know I can flourish and thrive. I love them with all of my heart.
I have been able to maintain my grades, and keep up with my school work, and although I was a little bit lucky having had a fairly easy scheduale and course load. I know understand what college is, and how I need to grow and develop as a student in order to succeed. Next semester should be hard. But I think I am ready.
I have not been able to work on my body as much as I had hoped, and am still extremely uncomfortable and insecure, but I am trying, and I know what I need to do.
My whole outlook on boys and relationships has changed drastically. In high school I was constantly upset or depressed because everyone around me had a boyfriend, and I didn't and I convinced myself I needed one, and fell "in love" with people I wasn't really "in love" with. I was agressive, and most of the times extremely forward. I am still forward, but not as much, and when it comes to hanging out with boys, I have learned to take things slow, let them do the work, let them make the moves, they do do that ya know..haha. I no longer need a boy to be happy. I was hanging out with a boy who supposedly was really interested in me, and having had the opportunity to spend every waking minute with someone who liked me, and I liked, I didn't really take advantage of it, not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't need to. I also know that I don't need to be extremely sexual in order to make boys like me, if they are going to like me, its because its for me, not because I gave them head on the first night...thats not so cute. I am comfortable with being alone, and I know that if somethings going to happen, it needs time, and eventually it will all fall into place, and everything will be amazing.
I have become comfortable enough to be alone. Just alone. Sitting by myself, and just listening to the music, walking by myself, just being by myself. I know its okay. I don't need to constantly be surrounded by people to be happy. I am okay with having me time, and thinking. Its a good thing to do.
I am happy. I am content. And I am extremely excited for these next 3 and a half years. I can't wait to see where I am 2 months from now, where I am 2 years from now. I know I am slowly growing, learning, and changing, and I am excited because I know it will be for the better, not only will my new surroundings help to shape and mold me, but the people I am around will teach me things I never thought I could learn before, and even my best friends from home, as they change and grow, they will teach me new things too. I can't wait.
I love you Syracuse, you have been good to me.